So technically there's nothing wrong with my life right now. I feel like I've gotten closer to my Semapeeps through ACDF, I have post-graduation plans that are exciting, I got a distinction in comps, and I just finished a long and wonderful evening of conversation with various friends. Classes are aso going well (even if Arnab is perhaps too focused on structural approaches to literature). Yet still all I want to do is get the hell out of Northfield. The moment I stepped back onto this godforsaken campus I felt my whole body clench. Last term was a rather manic experience, and I poured all of my strength (until about 1 in the morning virtually every night) into comps and other meaningless work trying to crowd out other shit, trying not to deal with other thoughts. Now it's spring term senior year and I'm supposed to relax, and instead I'm wondering why I even came back when I could have been done early. I know it's really for Semaphore and for sundry other aspects of closure that in the end will be necessary for me. But I nevertheless find myself striving to cram more and more into my schedule so that I won't have any time to think, so that time will zip by without my noticing. Then I can leave Northfield and forget all the shit locked up there. I'll be able to sleep again, perhaps be happy again. Who knows? I'm looking forward to a time when I don't have to feel hateful and bitter much of the time. When I can live in peace. When the past won't feel like such a grotesque animal. When I won't have to write petty posts like this.