This weekend has, in general, been pretty good, though it didn't have the most promising beginnings. The Rainbow Retreat occupied my thoughts some yesterday, reminding me of how disconnected I feel from the queer community at Carleton. I know it is meant to provide an opportunity to forge connections, but I don't feel I have enough in common with most of these people to make that a worthwhile effort. For myself, sexual orientation isn't enough to establish group solidarity; rapport requires more substance. I guess this opinion additionally stems from my distrust of several individuals, and a general disillusionment with what I've perceived as the clique-forming, "incestuous" and often gossipy group dynamics. This cynicism frustrates me deeply, especially when others seek connection with that network and, it would seem, find it somewhat easily.*

This no doubt fits neatly into my general feelings of isolation of late. When I think about the situation objectively, I don't think it would be particularly difficult to seek and hang out with "new" people. There are a good number of people on campus with whom I feel like I could connect more deeply if I invited it. There are logistical problems, though, as I realize I have far less time in my schedule than at first I thought, as I think about how little time I have left at Carleton in the first place, and as I question the extent to which others might wish to connect with me. The latter point is, at the moment, especially acute for me; I'm not interested in expanding my social network in the tenuous mode à la Facebook. I don't need more acquaintances; I feel starved for more profound connection.

Granted, this really isn't the moment for me to complain. Last night, after seeing Sweeney Todd with Steph and Rachel, the three of us had perhaps the most powerful and enriching conversations we've ever had. It felt really good to open up, especially with Rachel, with whom I don't typically have personal conversations. But to really feel like I could lay out my thoughts exactly as they formed (and have all that accepted and understood) felt so liberating, and it helped me digest some long-harbored thoughts on suicide, depression, and other related matters.

I don't really have much else to say right now, though I feel fairly thoughtful. In the end, though, I guess I don't want to sound like I'm a pessimistic defeatist regarding my social life. I know that I have worth and that I am a complete person -- it's just finding a cathartic, fulfilling outlet that proves difficult.

Currently listening to: Built to Spill, Perfect From Now On [my current favorite]; Neko Case, Fox Confessor Brings the Flood: Feist, The Reminder.

*It doesn't help that I've felt body conscious and sexually undesirable lately. That's definitely an element of my frustration when I think about the queer community.